I have stopped using this blog and moved somewhere else! Come visit me there! My reasons for moving… I started elusive healing about 2 years ago as a way to start processing all the big changes in my life wrought by my illness. This has been an amazingly helpful space for processing feelings and figuring my shit out, being raw and angry and emotional, and it has been a necessary and productive and comforting space to deal with the liminality of pre-diagnosis (oops my anthropology is showing).
However: 1) it has the word ‘healing’ in the title; and 2) It is full of swear words.
Swear words are an excellent form of expression, and I wholly support using them. But… my graduate funding runs out as of April 2016 and I am trying to transition into finding paid writing jobs. In order to do that, I probably ought to have a slightly more professional looking website, so that’s reason number 2.
Reason number 1 is more feelingsy: I have come to kind of loath having ‘healing’ in the domain name/url/title of this blog. I feel like striving towards ‘healing’ is completely at odds with the necessity of coming to terms with the permanent nature of chronic illness, and, while it’s true that I can (partially) manage my symptoms through diet and medications, it is also true that I will never be ‘healed’. Chronic illness is forever. It’s important for me to come to terms with that and stop striving for something I will always inevitably fail to achieve. So new blog. New url.
My new blog will still be full of being vulnerable on the internet and calling out ableist bullshit, except I plan to look like a fancy qualified writer/academic (but not boring) while I do it. I hope you like it!!
(updated March 25, 2016)
I started this blog to work through some of the deep, elusive, difficult to grasp feelings and emotions that have been swirling around in my since getting sick, and continuing to be sick. Since having to make changes both big and small that have fundamentally altered how I think about myself as a person and how I relate to other people. Some of the shifts happened so gradually that it’s sometimes hard to process how big the changes become and how much my life has changed as a result.
It’s time to process these changes. It’s time to grieve for what is lost, to celebrate what is here now, and it’s time to explain some of these complicated feelings to friends and family from who’s lives I’ve faded.
And realistically, this will be a good place to call out some of the ableist bullshit circulating in the ether, allowing me to respond once and share that response instead of having the same (exhausting) conversations over and over again.
Maybe this blog will be nice for others to read as well, who are going through similar confusing, surprisingly destabilizing illnesses and stumbling through experiment after experiment in an attempt to heal.